Each day that I’m at uni, I start my day in the gym at 7am. The days that I’m not at uni, I’m at work. The days where I’m not at either are my rest days.

I’ve never really realised it until now, but…. I get anxious.

A lot.

About anything.

And everything.

Sometimes I find myself stressing about stress before there is stress to stress about. I’m bloody pre-stressing. But now that I’m operating on a semi consistent schedule, I don’t find myself as anxious as often. Except for when I’ve soared past my caffeine limit – then nothing will stop me. It’s glorious.

This semester I’m doing a heavily math-orientated economics subject. The economics part is easy as chicken nuggets for me, but the mathematics is ridiculously hard. I’ve never been a math person. So it looks like I’m going to be working a billion times harder than everyone else in this class this semester for a good grade. And I honestly could just pick an easier subject, but the other subjects suck and I’d rather struggle if it means that I’m learning something useful. And to prove it to myself that I can do it. Mind over matter for the home stretch until I turn 21.

No guts, no glory? ;)

Bring it on uni. 

New year, new me. That’s how the saying goes, right?

I prefer “new year, better me”.

I’m only six months shy of my 21st birthday (barely an adult, to be honest). I don’t know what I’m doing with my life or where I’m going with my career, and I definitely don’t know what I’m going to do after my studies – but I already know who I am. And I want to work towards a better, not different, version of myself.

I often take for granted the people in my life by assuming that they’ll always be there. But life is unpredictable, and there really is no guarantee that someone here today will still be with me tomorrow. I need to tell people that I appreciate them more often, that I’m grateful for their presence in my life.

I’ve changed a lot since I was a child. All throughout primary and high school, I’ve had trouble focusing and staying calm. I was the hyperactive nightmare of a student who couldn’t sit still during class and who couldn’t stay silent for longer than minutes at a time. During my final year of school, it took a heavy toll on me both mentally and physically as the stress and the struggle to study threatened to overwhelm me. It felt like it was the end of the world at the time, but looking back at it now – I have no regrets about easing off on the study. I may not have gotten as high a score as I wanted but my mental health was far more important. As I tell anyone going through those final years that asks me, there are always other pathways to get to where you want to be. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been able to slow myself down and it has honestly allowed me to enjoy everything that much more. I’ve become a better listener, my patience is no longer nonexistent, and I’m happier overall as a result. To improve on this can only make me happier.

I want to spend this year doing more things, being more adventurous, more spontaneous. The tail end of the last year was a good one and I’m looking forward to adding to those memories.

I’ve even worked on my fear of deep water. Kinda, sorta. I willingly climbed into a swimming pool last week. Although, I could see the bottom of the pool so it didn’t bother me too much. It was a lot different from 8th grade camp where I panicked in the middle of the lake and nearly drowned myself as a result. Hopefully, the summer heat will encourage me to venture out to the beach where I can work on this ridiculous terror.

Stressed, exhausted, sleep deprived… this has been a looong week. Juggling two retail jobs over the Christmas break/November-December period was quite possibly not the smartest idea. Quite a number of customers get worse and worse as the holiday nears, yet all I can do is continue to smile and shoulder through it.

But, it has been a learning experience overall.

Those 7th grade Info Tech classes way back when where I was taught how to plug things into excel spreadsheets and create functions and automated functions and whatnot finally came in handy today as I made a spreadsheet to track my daily and monthly savings/spendings (now that’s what I call procrastinating productively).

I’m surprised I even remember how after all this time.