Let’s get one thing straight… I’m not. Well, not really.
After 6 months of denial and countless mental arguments with myself that made me also doubt my sanity (I like boys… it can’t be true?), I came to accept the fact that I might not be completely straight. And I’m not. I like boys for all the reasons that girls like boys, and I like girls for all the reasons that boys like girls. I lean more towards the male gender, but I can’t use that as an excuse anymore. I’m not straight… I’m bisexual – bi and proud.
Oh wait, no, we can’t forget the next three or so months where I was partially in denial. I was at a stage where I had accepted it but still toyed with the idea that maybe, just maybe if I ignored it… it would go away? Yeah, that didn’t work. It didn’t make me feel that great either, oppression of oneself and all that jazz.
Drained. Just physically, emotionally, utterly drained.
I don’t really bottle up. I just tend to put things aside for another day if they aren’t an immediate problem. And now it feels like everything is hitting me at once. That and I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks, and it’s taking a bigger toll on me than I’d like.
My grandpa isn’t well and it’s frightening. Not only for me, but the thought of how it’ll affect my parents. My uncles, aunts, baby cousins who may not have the opportunity to know this man who brings such joy to us all.
My friends are slowly drifting because of how diverse we all are, our different circles at uni, our different universities, our different hobbies and conflicting schedules due to work, family etc. We’ve always had our smaller circles within our circle, compared to a venn diagram the other day, where everyone is closer to different people within our group. But it feels like our venn diagram is slowly disintegrating and everyone’s becoming outliers to each other. What’s going to happen in a year or two?
Boyfriend… well, it’s absolutely terrifying realising just how much I’m already in love with him. How much I need him in my life. How much his goofy smile makes my heart jump. I know I’m flawed; what if I screw this up? And I can’t help but sometimes think that he’d be better off with someone else, someone with a better understanding of their emotional state, someone who’s able to give him more than I am. A sense of security… It hurts to think of a future without him in it though. It really, really hurts.
But good news, my oldest cousin living in Australia got engaged. Seriously cannot wait to see them tie the knot and have him join our family.
Things need to start looking up soon, I’m drowning here.
Christmas sweaters. Gimme.
I hate having my back turned towards people. It makes me nervous, and uncomfortable if people are standing behind me where I can’t see them. And it takes me an absurd amount of time (months? Try, years) to be completely comfortable with people being out of my line of sight. Those typical classroom seating setups… you can guarantee that I was always sitting at the very back, and the closer to the corner of the room the better. I was a back-row bandit for my entire high school career, haha.
I don’t know when I started trusting you so damn much that I was content and comfortable with you standing or being seated behind me, but it has really been quite a while. It’s astonishing, when compared to the year it took me to be okay with my close friends doing that.
I’ve never felt uncomfortable around you and I’ve never felt nervous to have my back turned towards you. For me, the amount of trust that involves is almost ridiculous. So. I don’t know what you’re doing babe, or how, but never stop doing it.
do i write you a story
with all that i want you to know
but there are so many things
that i don’t know how to say.
i don’t know how to tell you
about the brightest star within my galaxy
that what i thought would be a supernova
turned out to be the sun.
i don’t know how to tell you
about the skyline of your shoulders
the city within your eyes
the horizon i look towards.
perhaps i’ll write it in a song
set in a cut time, a G harmonic minor
because we’ve got some sharps and flats to manage
but 2/2 is all we need
to write the melody of you and me.
or maybe i’ll let my body say what my mind cannot
let my heart beat to the tune of us
linked hands, held close
hard pressed to find the will to leave.
i don’t know how to say any of these
but there’s one thing that i do
and that is
baby i love you.
Sometimes it feels like choosing to go to the selective high school that I did was simultaneously the best, and worst, four years of my schooling life.
Looks like I’m no longer unemployed folks! Final-fucking-ly ^_^
(also fek you mekkas for never replying to me glug glug glug)
I was so afraid of caring deeply for someone. And then I had to go and fall head over heels.
And then I had to go and be a little dipshit.
I’d forgotten how much I cease to be able to function when I think (or know) someone’s angry or upset at me. Sitting here feeling unsure of my standing with them and feeling absolutely miserable, yet too anxious about the possibility of rejection to even talk to them about it. And these fucking mood swings are not helping right now. Fuck you period, and your shitty cramps. It’s like I’m being punished by own body for not being preggers.
Aren’t I a bundle of joy to have around.