‘14.5

2013 2014 2014.5 resolutions, baby.

  • Be a better friend, partner, daughter, sister, person than I was before.
  • Don’t blame myself for everything.
  • Remember that I’m worth it; I’m not anyone’s doormat.
  • Think before I speak.
  • Get over my fear of deep volumes of water.
  • Eat healthy healthier.
  • I promised myself that I would make it to June without losing my motivation for uni. I made it, and I’m so fucking happy. So here’s a new promise: to make it to December.

Those 7th grade Info Tech classes way back when where I was taught how to plug things into excel spreadsheets and create functions and automated functions and whatnot finally came in handy today as I made a spreadsheet to track my daily and monthly savings/spendings (now that’s what I call procrastinating productively).

I’m surprised I even remember how after all this time.

I had let go of all the fears, worries, and doubts holding me back from my relationship around eight months ago. I left it all behind as I stepped into the new year. New year, new me – isn’t that what everyone says?

I put myself into a glass cage that dangles over the middle of the ocean, and willingly gave the hammer to the only person who can shatter it, idly hoping that they wouldn’t. I don’t love easily, and when I do, I love deeply and I love fully. Of course, at times it’s so fucking terrifying because no one wants their heart broken. I can see a future. If it turns out that I’m the only one, well those eight months ago I decided that this potato of mine was worth the possible heartbreak.

And hey, it’s better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all right?

Last night was miserable. Tonight’s sleep looks to be the same.

My need for physical reassurance is beyond ridiculous. Why can’t I just believe it when I’m told reassuring things… It’s not like there’s any reason for me to be lied to. But I can’t get myself to believe it, not completely, and it does my head in with doubts and worries that make me unbearably sad over the smallest things. It’s ridiculous. And it fucks everything up.

Here’s to no sleep before my 5am alarm to get up for work.